Fall-ish

Deciduous hope

Longing for what once was mine

Numbing frost, come nigh

-- 10/10/2015

Baptismal

Some showers are more.

They just have to be. 

Some filth won't scrub off

With soap and hope.

I close my eyes. The images  

Persist. Piercing red veils. 

I let them in. I let it all in. And

Let it all flow over me.

And in my head, in that moment, is Now. The universe. Every

Universe. And all are still and

Quiet. Just waiting.

...

Ablution. Purgation...but not

Sanctification. I am flesh.

A single body. And with that,

I swallow the stars. One

Lodges in my chest,

Grows into a galaxy.

And all that is becomes

Smaller. A hum fills me.

Not sound, but feeling. 

The pulse of life. The music

Of stillness. The rhythm of 

Silence. My temple.

...

I swim in it. It hollows and 

Hallows. The emptiness 

Makes me. 

Whole.

-- 07/28/2015

Route home

Riding the wake of my own
Private zen, taking each curve
In the road as it comes,
The scent of pine filters in

Through the vent in my helmet,
Followed shortly by the scent of
Old dust and despair, the lines between stark and sharp-edged.

And both take me to the home of
My parents, and both are my childhood: growth and hope;
Loss, shame, confusion.

I never have to travel to that
Home again. It is ever with me.
But it no longer hems me in, defines me. The road is not the journey.

I travel on through a forest that belongs to no one, a reservation
That no one wants, and on toward home...there is stillness in travel.

-- 05/30/2014

Blue Oranges

Rip and tear out hunks,
As their juice slides down
My throat like acid and
Hope. A strange cocktail.

I come here often. Different
Time, same place. Always
The same drink. Always. No
Matter what I order.

When will I have enough?

-- 05/04/2014

(Untitled)

Disquiet. My brain
Tickles the back of my skull.
Keening at new moon.

Night Shift

It’s cold out now, with short days.

So the sun has long-since set by the time

I come to you. Each night, calm, attentive,

Responsive, as any gallant suitor.

With a cat’s stealth, I explore your

Terrain, scenting out any subtle

Differences, alert to danger signals,

Ready to pounce on base threats...

Or to service your subtler needs. I am

Deliberate in my attentions,

Instinctive in my timing, I know your

Every heartbeat…Except when I don’t.

And that’s the best. When it’s all

Colored lights and sirens. When I am

The sword and the shield, the one

You need. The force you require.

I live in those moments. I am the stillness in the

Frenzy, the laser on the scope. Locked on. I am most

Alive, when I am at one with your need. My attention

Alternately violent and tender. As you require.

And that aliveness…it’s like a drug. So

Much more so than the mistress she used

To suspect. My jurisdiction. Mine.

To serve and protect. Again please…

It is night again…and I come to you…

Losing You. Twice.

And I felt the valves shut that time,

And for an eternal instant

I knew my heart was closed.

…And then…then it just went on.

Like everything hadn’t changed.

Like this huge, gaping hole was survivable.

My world stopped. Dead.

Still. Impervious to forces

Like gravity or entropy.

All was suspended in the stillness of space.

…And then it just kept on rotating…

My feet stumbled after one another in empty obedience.

My prayers reached up blindly, beseechingly…

But you were my heaven. And everything was broken.

Breathe, breathe…but my very breath, was a dragon’s flame, an affront

To nature. My own fierce tongue rasping the meat from my

Bones, licking the fangs that slowly tore my soul out in hunks.

Moments turned into years,

Devastation into habit. Until

Numbness replaced savagery.

…Until…

Until the unspeakable was spoken.

Until the blasphemous echo faded... And all was

White. Hot. Silence. The prayed-for words never to quench.

…And then…

In the silence. In the stillness.

You spoke at last. And, at last, it

Rained. A gentle, healing rain.

Perspective

When I told you

I'd love you forever,

You thought I was making

A promise. One you couldn't keep.

I wonder if you'll ever get it.
I was just stating a fact.
A truth safe forever
From the wreckage of "us".

Like a black box
Or a secret, hidden cache,
That you-shaped part of my heart is
A strong-hold, undefiled.

In there lives the hope grief can't kill,
Innocence uncorrupted by betrayal.

...

My kingdom came...all was
Perdition. My thirst for you
So cruel I thought to slake
It finally in oblivion...

But not one sip of Lethe
Was granted me by my
Tormentor. Flames seared
My flesh, charred my bones.

Marshaling all my forces,
I quested again and again
Throughout the land, but
All was smoke and ruin.

It was only when I, at last,
Sought some measure of peace
Within my keep, charred standard
Leaning in the corner,

All trumpets silenced, with
Only a priestess and a fool
For a palace guard...that I saw:
Here, always, was my treasure.

...

When I told you...
My kingdom came. All was
Innocence uncorrupted by betrayal.
Here, always, was my treasure.

-- 08/26/2012

Semantics for Officers

The male officer is
Valorous, but the female is
Reckless and dangerous.
With officer safety issues.

The male officer is
Tactical and prudent,
But the female is a puss.
With officer safety issues.

Same actions. Different days.
Same training. Different genders.

They tell me it's semantics,
That I am splitting hairs.
But they call their golden boys
Sensitive when language matters.

They call it semantics.
I call it survival. Sisters,
Be silent no more. Speak
And be heard.

Stand tall and know
Your experience and training,
Your intelligence and courage
Matter just as much

As if you could pee standing up,
As if you got paid just the same.

Your badge, your honor,
They shine bright enough
To light the way...
For that young girl dreaming...

-- 08/08/2012 For my sistahs

On Purpose

Intent has magic and power.
To create. To exonerate.
To give force to forgiveness.
Or judgment. To reveal 

At a soul level, to strip
Bare, and to make one
Bolder with passion, nobler 
With purpose than imagined 

By friend or foe. To will
It to be. Birth, death, 
The basest of needs become
 Righteous in prayer, purity

Becomes pale, a mere
Imitator, fragile, innocence,
Devoid of the ideal. A shell
On the fierce shoal.

Ignorance is as far from
The courage of conviction
As is chance from purpose.
Law, grace, luck, all

Favor the one whose
Courage propels, even when
The prudent fall back, and
The wise urge caution.

Give me sturdy boots to
Wade through the muck, and 
Calloused, dirty hands.
And I can build me a life.

-- 05/12/2012

So...

So what do you think of her?


Hmmm...
Not my usual type.
Too skinny, not overly tall.
Still...There is something about her.

Can't put my finger on it.
But there's something...

Something that makes me want to
   Drink whiskey out the bottle,
   Fuck her up against a wall, then
   Eat cold Chinese food, naked
   And laughing together, take
   A shower, call a cab, and go
   Out dancing all night, sleep
   Too late, and make love all
   Day. Slowly in the sunshine,

Something that makes me want to
   Crash into her, like a hard wave
   On a rocky shoal
   And
   Devour her, like a starving man
   At the end of a long, lonely hunt.

Maybe it's
   The swagger in her step,
   The gun on her hip,
   The sneer in her grin,

Or maybe it's just the way she throws her head back and laughs out loud, like a wild woman, who will live forever and maybe die tomorrow.

I don't know, but there's something.


Oh, is that all?

-- 03/02/2012 1600 hrs, route Phoenix...

Too Broken

There is such a thing as
Too broken. Too hollow
To ever ring out with joy
Again. A drum silenced.

Anguish can cut too deeply,
Grief steal that which strengthens.
Until sinew and bone are
Separated at a soul level.

-- 02/28/2012

Prayer Ain't Pretty (Or How Grace Found Me)

That moment when
Discourse became 
Intercourse with a
God I had not even

Spoken to in years
Was the same moment
My despair became 
Rage, when prayer

Ignited into full-blown
Blasphemy, when I 
Began... to learn to trust.
Like a child. Again.

In that instant, the
Intimate struggle
Became...and begot.
And I was new.

The blood and the
Sweat. The mud and 
The acid tears. They
Became my sacrament

To a God who got right
Down into it with me.
Who took it all from me,
And loved me through it.

In forsakenness, I found
Hope. In the darkness of
Degradation, dignity. Light.
In emptiness, the sacred.

In loss, I was found.

-- 12/20/2011

Night Qual

My night qual done, and I am
Still. A deep quiet within, while 
The line explodes, a pattern
More familiar than peace.

The sergeant shines his light to
Score a target, revealing art:  bullet
Holes becoming  his own 
Personal constellation. 

The pattern on the earthen
Berm behind, like fallen stars,
A poor reflection of the vast canvas
Above, backlit by the distant past.

Long ago, the stars were named
By mortals for gods and legends.
I  imagine an ancient soldier
Sharpening his sword by starlight.

Like him, we fight for empire,
But we spend our days among the
Citizens, their guardians, yet apart.
As soldiers are. Or the dogs of war.

And like them, we play rough with
Each other, sharpening our teeth,
Our swords for battle. Proving 
Our mettle, bonding as kindred.

Like them, we are creatures 
Of the now. All we need of the
The infinite is what we hold
In our hearts and our hands.

-- 12/08/2011

(Forging ahead)

Decisions, choices, forks
In this long, long road...
The big ones seldom seem
As important as they really are.

I'm not sure what I expected really.
Perhaps some cosmic guideposts.
Or a talking GPS for My Path.
But what would it say?

"Careful, sistah, this next
Step is a doozy"?
Or "Whoa. Take a breathe.
Don't be a stubborn ass"?

Hell I'd settle for a vague,
Hand-drawn map of the
Territory...perhaps dropped
From the celestial pocket

Of some careless angel...
Perhaps cliff notes from
His terrestrial journey...
But I reckon

It does not really work that way.
"The play is the thing."
My path is mine to live
My way into, I must forge ahead

On my own, stubbing my toe
And cursing the stones in the road,
Making some mistakes so often
They are my travel companions.

Late Last Night

Late last night
I held you in my arms
And spoke passionate
Words, my hot breath in your ear...

I asked you if I had it right,
Finally, if I figured it out...
If only I could have done this then...
Would you still be home, still mine?

And you looked a long silent
Moment into steel gray, your wide,
Soft brown eyes, gold flecks
Blazing...and whispered "no".

Then you turned away, and again,
Dwelled in that cruel long silence.
Perhaps because it reassured
That other who holds you captive.

Or perhaps you hoped I'd finally
Turn away from you, too...
As though I could ever turn my
Face forever from the warming sun.

Now, awake, I wipe burning eyes and
Cold cheeks, I can still feel
You...and I almost want to hate
You, just so I can go on feeling you...

And so, instead, I let my
Eyes stare into pitch black until
They grow cool again...and I
Just roll over and curl up

With that empty space in the middle
Of my chest...a warped pet I've
Named Desolation. It plays dead,
A peaceful empty, single trick.

-- 10/27/2011 Dreaming...and waking...For J.

Waning Gibbous

She slips over the east horizon
Like a lover slipping into bed,
Bringing a tantalizing radiance
And an alluring mystery

Into your universe.
Wisps of clouds cover
So little of her beauty
As to be almost obscene.

Even as she fills your night,
Her gold turns to ivory,
Even as a woman can be
Close and yet cool.

She is just a sliver shy
Of the fullness you both long for.
As though the eons have taken
Their toll. Yet you know

Her magnificent power:
The call and response
Communion with the waves, the feminine
Rhythm that fills you,

And your heart beats
With the most primal drumming,
In the elemental connectedness
That is at once all-

Consuming, and yet feels
A poor, pale tribute to her
Magic and her constancy.
A communion none-the-less

That transfixes you,
Holds you in her thrall 
For a timeless moment,
An eternity...

-- 06/17/2011

Being. Human.

To stand here in
The middle of my truth,
Consequence be damned,
Without regard...

That is my destination,
My lesson, the place
I've arrived at after all these
Years of growth and struggle.

There is nothing that feels
Elegant or simple here. In this land
Of stark truth. It is
Simply what it is.

And to hear my brother call out
For this stop, as his own,
As well, it turns my head 'round,
As though maybe I've earned

This wisdom. Stark as it may be,
It somehow feels like the
Home I've always known,
But couldn't recognize.

And I say thank you, brother,
Not for any greater wisdom,
But for saying out loud
That what felt so simple,

So raw, that it could be the
Lesson of your decade,
That what felt so elemental
Could carry such weight.

It had not occurred
To me that this was anyone's
Truth but mine. Not that it needed
To be. But it feels lighter,

And yet deeper and truer, somehow,
Because it is shared. Perhaps
It is species-specific. Or maybe,
We two are the only ones. But

I doubt it. And truthfully,
I don't care why: I just feel less
Lonely in my truth. And perhaps,
Just perhaps, that is what it means

To be fully human.

-- 06/11/2011 Thanks, D

Bright, Shiny You

You say you are shattered.
And the best part of you lays
Scattered. Just dangerous shards,
 Too many pieces to reclaim.

You say you want no other,
Have no intimacy to give.
That what is left of you
Is not strong enough for hope.

You say you feel too tired
To start over, too weary
To begin again anew.
You say it is your evening now.

And I say I must be blind,
Because I can't see any of that!

I see you.

A you so luminous, the
Darkness can not survive 
In your wake...

A you that sparkles
From every facet, not broken,
But dazzling with brilliance...

A you that rises
From the ashes anew 
And takes flight...

A bright, shiny you.

...Can you see it now? 
The you reflected in my eyes...
Come. Look again. Look closer...

Let your eyes adjust...

-- 06/09/2011  For P

Awakening

Golden light 
Through white linen.
Dust motes in the 
Still morning.

I drift and float
In and out:
The celestial plane, then
Back again to the terrestrial...

Gently I settle into
My body, molecules
And energy align...
And i am whole again... But somehow less.

-- 05/04/2011